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[14 Dec 2004|11:53pm] |
I bid ye Paris, Farewell.
I will miss this journal, it's beautiful enrites of bliss and serenity.
A new start and a reminder of who I am
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ___christinac
Add it. I will add you back.
I love you all.
♥
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[13 Dec 2004|04:22pm] |
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mood |
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dick |
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music |
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Bright Eyes [[method acting] |
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Today is one of those days that I want to revert back to the way things used to be. not simply because I was happier. I don't really know if I was but simply because, nothing would change and I would suffice. Just like I sufficed this long.
I don't know whats going on or why my entire perception on this situation has changed. I remember when all I wanted was to be near him, to touch him, see him, kiss him. Now, I suddenly feel like I've given up completely on everything we have established. Should I feel guilty? Ofcourse, I should, and if I shouldn't-I still do. I shouldn't have promised eternal love if I wasn't prepared for what was to come. If I wasn't completely sure. I am the one to blame for this, I am aware. I saw something so, different, so new - a breath of fresh air. At the moment, thats what I thought I needed. I was so tired of the consistency, that this breath of fresh air just seemed so relieving.
Now, I have this air and I'm torn between the partial beautiful past and this new surrounding that I am growing quite fond of. This future that can hold either happiness or sorrow. I don't want to move. Am I afraid to change? Or too afraid to stop this change that is already taking place subtly?
The truth is I don't feel like Donny needs to change. I do. I needed the change. To actually Face some problems instead of hiding mine behind other peoples troubles. I love Donny very much, I don't mean to hurt him. I love Donny for what I know he COULD become. If he just wanted it enough. For him everything has to be fun. I'm going through a time in my life where I don't feel that way. I am all about fun, but there is a time and place for everything. He is still young and has so much time to find a job and finish school, I already tried to motivate him to go. But, he is too busy living and I want him to have fun. But, I have been enduring that all too long. An entire year of having nothing but fun, and I sat there and supported or clenched my teeth every minute of it. I have to work, I have to finish school, I have to pay for things, that is why I am baffled by his utter lazziness. If this is what makes him happy, then this is what I think is best for him at the time. I can not bend over backwards anymore. He doesn't have to worry about any of the things I do. So he doesn't.
It feels so unjustified. When I am always worrying about him. I am just sick of giving and not receiving. It seems like, when you give, people get used to you giving and become dependent on this-just continually taking and taking until you have absolutely nothing more to give. Then, the taker becomes virile and upset because, you are fresh out of things to give, Telling you how selfish you are for not giving anymore- it kind of sucks because. You as the giver feel so walked all over that not being able to give makes you actually feel guilty, you feel obligated to give whatever you have when you have it and if you don't have it. Go get it.
I think it's time for me to do some stuff for myself.
To give myself something.
So i breath in, this air.
I wont back down.
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[12 Dec 2004|02:59pm] |
passed up on Mewithoutyou.
Tonight there is a staff meeting at my job.
I think tonight is a good night to quit.
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| "I want your flowers like babies want God's love" |
[10 Dec 2004|06:50pm] |
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mood |
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pressured. |
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music |
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Iron & Wine [[Fever Dream] |
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Some days, I feel like everything is okay. Like I can manage with all the bullshit thats going on. Then somedays I wake up crying, trying to remind myself that life is this beautiful conquest that I can overcome but, in the back of my mind. I don't feel strong enough to conquer anything at all. I just feel lazy and un motivated, back to being that horrible person I try to push away, I woke up crying this morning. I woke up feeling like I stood for nothing the very instant I walked out of my door to go to school. I woke up hating myself. I haven't thought like that in atleast 5 months. I feel like shit. I can't even really pinpoint why.
I didn't go to any class today except for 1st period. I always go to first period. I went to breakfast with Barlow and we sat eating McDonalds in the back of his truck feeling the breeze. He's probably the only person I feel right now I can really just talk to and not feel vulnerable and misguided. Everyone else makes me feel like I'm being childish and emotionally unstable. I don't know but lately, everyone makes me feel for some odd reason just- unwanted or very very wrong even if not intentional. I don't know why, but It doesn't make me upset or mad. It just makes me seriously open my eyes and realize how much I really dislike myself lately.
But, I do however want to thank Guy and Derek, they get my mind off of a lot of my own problems even if temporarily. I'm real glad you guys are my friends. So So different from eachother haha but, quite a bit in common.
I have to write an english paper about the similarities and differences of the novel A Farewell to Arms and Ernest Hemingway's life. It's due Monday. I would call AshleyLynd but, as of late. I don't have a phone. I wish I hadn't volunteered so Melissa wouldn't have to do it but, she was freaking out about it and I'm good at essays. Eh, fuck It. I hope it comes out alright. I really don't want to let the girls down.
Sorry I haven't been in 3rd for 2days now. The paper will be done by monday ash.
Eh, I kind of wish that I hadn't accepted to work on Wed. again. It's going to be hard now again to see Mandy as muich as I would like, well to see anyone that I want to see outside of the ice cream cage. I hope I quit that fucking job soon. Or they go out of business It pisses me off so much. I called in today because I was on the grips of death with cramps in my stomach that extended all the way to my kidneys and My boss simply replied "No." because he needed to leave for something that HE was doing.So I told him i'd be there for whatever he needed to leave [because, I felt selfish wanting to not be at work just because I was in pain. He's there all the time] and My mom FREAKED out and called my job when I'm screaming at her not to and to fucking stay out of it. But, she is a control freak and she HAS to do whatever makes her feel justified and she bitched out my boss. So, I'm sure tomorrow I will be having a good talking to and she want rambling on and ranting about how I HAVE to quit the job and blah blah blah how I'm a huge pushover and allow peopel to step all over eme blab blab blab. but, then they get the phone disconnected so I don't know if I got the other job.
Whatever, I don't even care anymore.
personally
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[07 Dec 2004|11:20pm] |
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mood |
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good. |
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music |
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Tv on the Radio [[ambulance] |
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So I sincerely hope that things are changing for the better. I could really use the uplift for the holidays. I had a dirt fight today during lunch. It was the most fun I've had in school all year. Besides when Seanthomas and I would cause chaos.
I had an interview at Hollister Co. today. I hope it went well. But, for some odd reason after going through all the bullshit of "I quit" my current job and "I'm leaving" and "I hate this place." At work today it kind of dawmed on me that, It's not really THAT horrible. I mean, I tell my boss to fuck off, shut up, I punch him, I have had a full fledge water hose fight that included spraying him directly in the face for a constant amount of time and grappling until our hoses were tied in bundles, I have thrown loaves of breaddirectly at him, flailed lettuce, cracked on, tripped, and etc. Still remaining to get paid 7.00 an hour and hold a steady working shift. I don't know maybe I'm just looking for change but, part of me will miss the laughter of making fun of my boss, part of me wil scream with relief that is- If I even get the job. Sad part is, I dont really enjoy hollister but i guess it's not such ahorrible thing since the manager squased the old wives tale of being forced to rep their brand, he took one look and said. "It's okay that you dont wear hollister, we encourage originality" sure, as long as I have the "southern california comfort" look haha okay, um. Whats that? HOLLISTER. if christinaC gets the job
They aren't going to know what hit them.
Heres one I actually agree with.
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| Disclaimer to the public, eh not really |
[03 Dec 2004|11:23pm] |
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mood |
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been better |
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music |
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Neutral Milk Hotel [[aeroplane over the sea] |
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I am a Hugger, and I always talk about how when I see someone troubled [whether stranger or not] I want to just run up to them and hug them. Truly hug them. While at the mall a few days ago, Barlow and I were checking out a gift I was preparing to buy someone, and A mentally handicapped child [well, not really child more along the lines of my age] just walked up to me and gave me a big hug. Completely at random- no words nothing just a hug and I stood astounded. As the girl came to retreive him saying he couldn't just go about hugging strangers. I felt a lump in my throat forming and I swallowed while I tried not to cry. I had been holding so many emotions in at the time, and I was so troubled. I didn't exactly know why I started to cry the way that I did. Subtly choking back these tears of either; joy that another human can express such purity and wholesomeness or, the fact that they saw such trouble in me- The fact that it was evident that I was so stressed. I suppose just being on the opposite side of the spectrum just really made me realize, what that was, I don't know.
I am at such a crossroad right now- With myself. This is a make or break kind of thing and I'm questioning all my intentions and all my emotions. I sincerely don't really know what I want right now. I just know that It's so stressful being in the predicament and part of me is screaming to give in to my acceptance. I am normally so accepting. But, another part of myself is telling me that nothing will ever change if I just accept. I can't change anyone. I know that. People can only change themselves, I also know that.
I wish I could do so much more. I wish I could give so much more. I want to be able to show a point of view unlike any other. To be able to open minds and eyes the way that I have taught myself to.
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[01 Dec 2004|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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Kind of distraught |
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music |
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Coldplay[[Sparks] |
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I wish that I could be more simplistic about the decisions I have to make in everyday life. Sometimes I feel like I make things a big debacle that can be prevented. Then I wake up the next morning back at square one with, at times, nothing accomplished. I feel real drained, emotionally and It's making me feel drained physically. I have been losing so much sleep that I just skip certain periods of my day to catch up on the lost hours at night. It makes me so depressed at times that I can be having the time of my life then I become overwhelmed with emotion at certain types of smells, gusts of wind, memories, and songs.
I want to cry on someone, but lately I have been really reserved about everything that I feel. It seems like I'm trying to solve my own problems and not incorporating anybody into the choices I make therefore I can only blame myself if in the end, these certain choices blow up in my face- I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, but it's real hard for me to talk to someone right now.
I'm sorry if I haven't been in school lately guys. I just needed some time to catch up on myself and I'm still in the midst of a real hard chapter right now. I still paste a smile on my face each day and smile at the scarf wrapped around my neck each morning.
I don't know why I should apologize to everyone for my very own actions but, somehow I feel like I owe all of you something every friend that I have I feel like I am supposed to be there to nuture and listen to YOU, not visa versa. be some role model that you all make me feel like. I don't exactly understand why I'm like that. Maybe it's because, it was never like that for me?
I had a very nice evening with non other than my lovely mandy. She is still the most amazing person I know, that will never cease.
Seanthomas and I, what can I say. He is my closest friend. I don't understand why we have this bond that we do. But, when we are together even if it's the first time in months. It feels like we haven't missed one day without eachother. It's unexplicable.
Thankyou both for a grand night out.
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| I am.. |
[29 Nov 2004|04:07pm] |
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mood |
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meh |
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music |
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Emery [[ponytail parade] |
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Economics, procrastinator.
avid skirt shopper.
an " I love you" Gift giver.
The Who, Unearth, Lynard Skynard lover.
A photobooth reject.
A dreamer of a dress kind.
Jimi Hendrix photo kisser.
Scarf heaven/protection blanket.
A hugger.
A Chai Freeze drinker.
A Derek Barlow advice giver.
horrible defensive driver.
Halo 2 action figure.
A Halo 2 player hater.
School skipper.
Guilty conscience ignoree.
A mom lets go for coffee daughter.
"I wonder how Mandy is." kind of child.
A flower in my hair with ocean breeze tingling my toes,lady.
A "Seanthomas is my BFF so back off slut" lover.
"I feel ______ so don't fuck with me" kind of hardass.
Your worst directions possible giver.
Good listener.
good base on judgement.
A Fate believer.
A Nickname generator.
one who walks away.
who puts you first.
A Film junkie
( christinaC. )
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[27 Nov 2004|09:18pm] |
So yesterday was seanthomas' birthday.
I hope he enjoyed a lovely evening.
Although I didn't attend his get together
Of which i dont think I was invited, or maybe i was?
I hope he knows my mind was with him
I tried to call the phone was busy.
so..
"Like a skull shaped balloon, I believe in us."
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| I'm in a pickle. |
[25 Nov 2004|11:39pm] |
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mood |
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worn out. |
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music |
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mewithoutyou [[January 1979] |
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Simplicity is the nirvana seeking.
I'm late for it.
The gravity is pulling me down, one more step feels like all the energy I can give right now.
Give me a hand to hold so rolling in the hay will be easier than a dissappointment.
Give me some boundaries so crossing will be the smile on my face for weeks to come.
Give me some memory so reminicing will allow the butterflies in my stomach to flutter without apprehension.
I think back to parking lot nights and the way the wind takes my teeth away. letting each shiver clasp my jaws tighter around your cheek.
Excuses and time getting caught in the storm.
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[24 Nov 2004|10:08am] |
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mood |
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Sleepy. |
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music |
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Tv on the Radio [[The wrong way] |
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The cascades are long gone by the time we arrive to an oceans passing. I would hold you for some time now but the excerpt I am visualizing causes my eyes to flutter.
You are flustered.
I am a god.
This empowerment we both feed of eachother makes us rich and we don't walk on the ground.
Slightly descend from cloud to cloud, incline from mountain to mountain.
Arrogance is the song that sings.
But, arrogance is understandable when the original individual standing next to the outgoing intellectual is more beautiful than all the rest of blacksheep, So forgiveness is granted.
Our hearts are in unison and we are simply two halves collided into one.
I am my my own worst nightmare.
The kind that make my heart stop beating.
I am not one to find gravity in the midst of such hot air.
I am not one to think it out and carry it on my shoulers.
I can still feel the breeze chasing after my mind with it's bewildering laugh.
You are the soothing lavendar, that saves me from the burn.
You are the tides that reach up to me when I'm alone on the shore, wiping each painful thought out of my plethora of hideous realities.
This avenger, this powerful hero of holding me up, is building an empire on me.
Lighter than air.
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| ooo I'm so cool I got drunk at the scenester party hahaha |
[20 Nov 2004|11:17pm] |
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Whoa journal,
Lastnight My eyelids were on fire from the spurting out hot scolding caramel and that shot out at me. The side of my head was smacked with real old stale brick hard bread too.
Love My job.
Today was the highlight of my week, I love My Seantomas so much. He is so sincerely special to me. His presense makes me feel so wholesome and honest. Me and Donny are so cool man, we seriously are- I like that fact that we can mediate and make people feel better- I want you all to know it takes A LOT for Donny to actually like people and he realy likes some of you, that means you're awesome. I love all those kids (well except a lot of the stupid ones) But, I'm so glad that my bestfriend had a good time. I hope he meant what he said and we spend more time together. Me And Mandy are seriously the life of the party, and we hope you all like us.
Actually we really don't care if you do or not. but, all in all we are real swell.
I didn't really get to se the other light of my life today Mr. Barlow- I really miss him when hes not around. I contemplated making him come but I know he would hate all those fucking teeny boppers who I am more acceptable ( and not so judgemental upon) rather than he- who would just tell them to fuck off the moment that breathed in his presense. That makes me like him so much more hahah.
To all a Good night.
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| redundant posts. boohoohoo |
[17 Nov 2004|06:12pm] |
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mood |
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headache |
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music |
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the postal service[ [the district sleeps alone] |
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I wish I could articulate my thoughts into words with more clarity. They all bundle in my mind and I'm constantly having to catch up with myself. It's like my brain works so much faster than my mouth and body. I'm constantly losing track of things whether it be speaking or just surroundings. It always appears as though in mid-sentence I get lost in thought. It's not it's that my brain has already spoken in my mind and is moving on. I know it sounds so absurd.
Sorry to complain. It's just someone made a comment about it earlier and I didn't know how to react.
Anyhow, I don't really know what I'm doing right now. I don't know what choices I'm making and or why I'm making them. I'm not thinking clearly just thinking for the moment and a lot of times the moment feels really really refreshing. Angsty teen coming through. Make way.
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[16 Nov 2004|03:47pm] |
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mood |
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worried. |
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music |
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Radiohead[[Fake Plastic trees] |
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Paranoia attack lastnight.
Thought Barlow was trying to kill me.Guess not.
Went to the park-
it was pretty until I started hallucinating.
Until he started hallucinating.
Went to the local Tyrone Mall.
Ate some Dip'n'Dots.
Stereotyped.
Danced like Fred Astaire.
Got really giddy because I was really tired
Hit up the Borders- got twirled around and saw a few acquaintences.
Read some excerpts out of some books.
Stopped off at Best Buy- laughed.
Bought a CD.
Finished my dip'n'dots.
Drove barlow's truck to the park.
Had long talks about nothing.
Swinging on the Swings.
Felt closer.
Exuded happiness for the first time in some time.
Today I admit How I love Andrew Sinkinson.
We slept together
haha
okay so we both passed out in economics- we sit next to one another.
That sort of counts, right?
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[14 Nov 2004|04:29pm] |
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music |
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Colplay[[green eyes] |
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Sometimes, I find myself bewildered and my equilibrium a little off.
I was so frustrated out of nowhere yesterday during work that I just wanted to go home fall asleep and start the day all over. I feel better today because there is a breeze in the air and I am more open mentally, I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday. It seems that I always "have a feeling" before things happen. Things that I know I will get upset over. But, I am one to know that being upset takes so much energy, I don't even bother. I am really starting to stress over school, I feel like I'm doing all of this stuff and getting nothing in return, It's making me feel rejected and rather annoyed hence me tired of trying.
So someone inspire me.
Good day to all.
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| ROCKING OUT AT THE SIMPLE PLAN SHOW HAHAHHA! FUCK YOU PEDRO |
[10 Nov 2004|10:41pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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music |
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of montreal[[rapture rapes the muses] |
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Dear Livejournal,
Tonight- My life is COMPLETE!
I met Rachel Knox- pam- AND allison!
You guys are just as cool as I thought you would be- I am so looking forward to building a friendship with you all.
I got a new boyfriend- his name is Tom. He is the lead singer for a little band called the plain white t's and he REALLY does make me cream- He has some hot moves with his little dances. Because, well he's really really really hot and he is really friendly.
So long Donny
hahah Kidding. But seriously, He is my boyfriend. Kind of.
It felt so great to hangout with my bestfriend Seanthomas tonight, I missed him sooooo much. It totally remember why we were sooo close at one time. I am so glad we are getting back to that point. Going to the show together totally reminded me of STUN and The Start and how we made out all night to the used. hahah weirdo's. Those were the days.
I met a few new people.
IT was real good to get out of the constant motion of the days.
Me and Barlow had a lot of moments today as well-
He makes me laugh so much. We were trying to think of simple plan songs to make fun of people with but our lack of shitty music knowledge got the better of us and the only thing we could think of was just deciding that every pop-punk band is the same band singing the same song. So we blended all these stupid fucking 97X songs together. and we got a well- pop-punk song.
Tonight me- rachel and Pam named all of these things
"Good plan of the year-Lavinge"
I got a mighty pleasant suprise from a very good little lady friend of mine tonight don't know if i've ever mentioned her before
MANDY MOTHERFUCKING MILLAM! well- I was so overwhelmed by the hot guy in front of me and conversing with the mae guys that we didnt get to talk much but seeing her makes me feel so much better about things going on. I felt horrible that our monday was cancelled. God, I love having her in my life!
Good night ladies and Gentlemen- we shall see eachother again in my next post.
Have a wonderful evening.
Beautiful morning.
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| My post for Barlow. |
[08 Nov 2004|03:44pm] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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music |
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The Bled[[red wedding] |
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The Bled is totally me and Barlows rock out music and we are the most hardcore motherfuckers out there. You all need to watch out for real.
As of lately Derrick Barlow and I have been spending an abundance of time together [during school hours/work/etc.] We like eachothers company for the simple fact we make eachother laugh like a motherfucker and I can actually trust him and talk to him and visa versa.
Yes, I am still very much involved with the best boyfriend ever and that is Donny Ganster so people can really stop jumping to any form of assumption.
Barlow is as of recent my closest and dearest friend. I have always considered him a very close friend of mine but time has only broken the barrier and allowed us both to become even closer than we once imagined. He is as of the time probably the closest friend I have-
ofcourse besides the beautiful Mandy.
I wanted to set the record straight once and for all for all of you people who like to presume things. Barlow is a great guy and deserves a girl who is way better than any of the ones I've seen throw themselves at him.
Save it girls you have to pass my test first.
That means you fail- you know who YOU are.
Me and Barlow are friends.
Thanks :)
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| For Fetus... |
[02 Nov 2004|03:09pm] |
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mood |
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crying |
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music |
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Led Zeppelin[[stairway to heaven] |
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These are those last breaths.
These wandering thoughts that I'm gasping through my air.
I'm gasping.
I'm hurting.
I'm healing.
There is this pain, this nothingness bounded by every speckle of hope that we breathe.
I was never an all-star.
But, you all remember me. You all remember the way that I played.
I am hurting, and with this- gasping for my air.
You all hate me.
Bt, secretly you all loved me, you just never let me know. Now, this gasping- this fighting for my breath, is your punishment for my suffering.
My last breaths.
My last consciousness.
Repentense is my last song, my thoughts are drainging. I loved nothing from you. You all are my killers.
Don't cry.
I've cried enough for us all.
Turn your backs now, you don't have to see this- this destruction in order to set me free.
I am free.
This light, this gasping for air-
This is all my stage, my new surrounding.
My entire heart goes out to the Sinkinson family.
Andrew, I am thinking of you. My deepest condolenses to you all.
My empathy to anyone who was affected by this tragedy. My deepest sympathy.
When I met fetus, I laughed almost immediately. I never took him seriously, unless we were talking about the cosmo's and our religious beliefs. I never wanted to hear about Zoe and the failing relationship they both shared. I am sorry now, But he always knew this was what he wanted. I will miss the presense of fetus, I will miss his faces and the way I cracked jokes about the cliche of black metal all the time.
It has made me realize how often we become so comfortable with the fact that someone is there. Never knowing if tomorrow the conditions will be the same
Eugene Sinkinson
June 27,1985 - November1,2004
Rest in peace.
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[01 Nov 2004|07:39pm] |
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mood |
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stressed/yet relieved |
] |
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music |
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Godspeed! You black emperor[[gathering storm]] |
] |
It's seldom when I lose my temper.
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my sanity, why does he like to make me feel crazy, I'm so tired of games and the stupid "oh i'm sure" "oh whatever it's okay" in that tone of voice where I know it's not okay to him. I know him, I know him all to well and I know when he says certain things he means others, I wish he had enough balls to say "I'm upset that you saw that movie with Mandy and not myself." I'm upset that you didn't call me back. Then, maybe I wouldn't feel so crazy when he does his pathetic guilt trips. I'm so over it. I don't know how to resolve it other than to brush it off and say "ok, well [insert new topic of discussion here]" whenever he does the sarcastic " oh whatever I don't give a shit" meaning" I totally care I just want to drench every ounce of guilt I can get out of your little humble body to make me feel better about myself and the situation" , but it only builds up to wasted sarcastic answers and potentially being ignored- and frankly I rather be ignored and have a witty comeback from him then his stuid onseets of "I'm going to just go shoot myself". I hate it, I don't do that to him, and frankly it's so unfair. I am so sick and tired of having to walk on eggshells everytime I go out. I can't watch this movie without him there?? yet, he goes to parties and drinks with girls all around without me and goes to standup acts and leaves me home on halloween and I completely brush it off yet, I hold hands with john yohe a month or two back and I'm never going to hear the end of it. I don't have any pent up agression towards Donny, even with a sketchy past. I completely trust him. I sometimes do become a tad jealous when I feel neglected and I bark loud enough to shake him up a bit but, he is dense sometimes. He doesn't listen to me threaten him because, he's so secure with the fact that I'm not going anywhere. He knows this, I know this. I wish he would just speak his mind already and be done with it instead of wasting valuable resolution time on petty sarcasm and silence from the other end. If I infact do ask to just skip the looks and vibes and go straight for the argument and make-up I get glared at and told that Why do IIIII do that?? what did I do but, go see a movie with a friend? Why are YOU getting so defensive mr. "we can't get there we don't have a ride but, eventhough I know we'll never be able to see it together you better not go see it-" yet the tables turn, I am the bad guy- apologizing nonetheless. I'm not going to apologize i've done nothing wrong. So be done with it.
On the other hand, my mother has to be queen of the damned- i kid you not. She has to be one of the most self-centered woman I have met in my entirety. She frankly hates to see me have fun, and I mean all teenagers go through that phase of rebellion in which they feel strangled by their parents and the constant stress of trying to grow on your own. But, trust me- my mother is worse. You all go hug your mom right now and thank her for always being there to hug. Because, end of story I don't have a mother- not one who experienced any maternal care for me. I don't have that security. I feel entrapped in this home- unable to voice my opinion. unable to speak my mind out of fear that I will be belittled and struck down upon. I am nothing to my mother.
She attempted to tell me today that I go around parading myself as if I own myself.
what the hell man, thats exactly it. I DO OWN MYSELF!
I have a 38% in chem. class for the simple fact that my teacher hates me- i kid you not. I don't deserve that grade one tiny bit, yet she definetely thinks I do. I failed ONE test and ATTEMPTED to give her my folder but she kept delaying it and now, she already handed out progress reports and I'm left out of 2 big grades- she let someone else re-take the test but, I doubt she will let me do the same. I deserve it, and she BETTER check my folder. I hate school lately it all seems so drab. I want to drop-out get my GED in like a day and just be done with Dixie Hollins. It's so useless, I havent learned a valuable asset to use in the real world in so long it's miraculous how easy it must be to become a teacher. I am not a drone- i can't conform. I also don't want to ruin something potentially great in the future, but I'm not about living for tomorrow- i'm more about living for today. I wish people would realize that high school is a JOKE. Nothing THAT serious ever happens unless you fall in love and chances are seldom that you will discover TRUE WHOLEHEARTED love your sophomore year. Just because, some guy fucked you and twirled with your hair doesnt mean he is writing his vows as we speak. All you kids need to get over yourselves. Yes, blah blah blah "well christinaC- you found Donny" Like I said, the chances are seldom, like 1 in every 50 that the person that you find in highschool could potentially be the person you are with forever. I'm the 1 too bad fuckers. But then again- who knows I could turn around tomorrow and do something to completely fuck everything up. So could he- thats why the moments for now are the most important- hence why fighting is such a drag. I hate it. I just want to eat ramen and make love all day.
sleep-kiss-eat-feel
ugh, sorry so long.
I ♥ huckabees was soooo good.
Gosh, I wish I could be with Mandy 24/7
I want Seanthomas to come home- I want to hug him.
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[31 Oct 2004|11:49pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Neutral Milk Hotel[[ two headed boy part II] |
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I am worried about Sean.
Whoever can inform me, please let me know anything.
How can any night be fun when someone I care about more than anything ends up in a hospital.
You guys are assholes.
A good fun night, when Someone I love wants to die??
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